AM, B and I had pancakes and watched Melissa McCarthy kick serious butt last night. We got on separate cabs home (B in one, AM and I in another). As our cab worked its way up a slight hill, AM looked up from her phone and told me it was my anniversary.
"Of what?"
"It's been a month since 11th May."
"Oh shit dude."
I don't want to sound naive and be all "oh, jolly me, it's been so quick - one month already?" in that fluffy, wide-eyed way. Because it HAS felt like a month. It has felt EXACTLY like how 4 weeks should feel like.
I don't think it's too somber a realisation, but it did make me very reflective and obliged to fanfare about it a little. Nothing fancy, no elaborate pyroworks or ticker tape, just asked for another grape cigarette* from AM.
When I got home, AM sent me a selfie of her on the shitter and I felt sorry for the people who didn't have the friends I did. They've all got big hearts, keep it real, and we trust each other so, so much. The amount of naked selfies I have in my phone is a Tinder creep's wet dream ("hi wan b fren? got pics?"), and I think one of my pals has my pseudo sex tape parked deeply in an external hard drive used to store school lecture notes.
I told AM I was going to sleep and that I loved her. I hovered around Instagram for a bit (as you do, you millenial, you) and I came back onto WhatsApp after scrolling past a photo of Melbourne, which always reminds me of SW.
A quick search on my contact list showed me I still had a chat with SW - this Australian man I had met on OkCupid. He had messaged me when I was in London in 2012. He was a Literature teacher there, but we didn't manage to meet because I was too busy breathlessly taking in the wet English air and being a scurrying idiot in Primark. I only hit him up after I came home from vacation.
Conveniently, he was en route back home to Melbourne, and would be in Singapore for a few days. We kissed in the rain the first time we met, outside Takashimaya and my arms were sore from carrying a TWG paper bag filled with tea meant for office Christmas presents.
We grew fond of each other, but never attached. We were both seeing other people at that point of time, and he was putting his life back together since going back to Melbourne. But we made it a point to meet up every time he was in town, and it always read like a Tumblr fairytale - cuddling naked under blankets, dancing on a quiet lane with someone playing a cover of The Beatles, getting lost and sweaty in Little India and ducking into a deserted alley way for a heavy make-out sesh. HE MADE A MIX TAPE FOR ME OK. Any more Tumblr and I would swear we were infinite. He is also the star of my "The One Where a Condom Got Lost in Me and He Told Me to Do Jumping Jacks to Get it Out" story, if you've ever had the fortune (or misfortune) of me telling it to you.
But he had something dark that I only knew of, not about. There'd be days where we were supposed to meet for coffee and he would bail, saying he's going through something. One time, he texted saying how "he didn't want to live anymore" and he had "shaved off all [his] hair". SOMEONE was clearly having a Britney moment.
I never pushed to know what he was going through because 1) it felt like a recipe for emotional attachment disaster, and 2) if he had wanted me to know about it, he would have told me.
I was thinking about these moments before I WhatsApped him. How he must have felt like it was something that he had to deal with on his own, by taking it out severely on himself (he came with bruises on his thigh one time). In my text, I told him about what was up with me recently and that I had had a sudden urge to tell him because I got reminded of him. In a warped way I am STRUGGLING to explain here, but instead have chosen to RAMBLE on about.
He texted back later. You can find his reply in this post.
Happy anniversary, all you HSVs in my bodehhhh. You bastards better get comfy since you're in it for the long haul. There are A LOT of people out here who are not as okay about you as I am. They'll all be one day, but in the mean time, I've got a great bunch of them who I love, and will make sure I don't shave off my hair or do anything remotely destructive (like convince me to order ONE pizza instead of FIVE).
And that's all I need right now.
x
*WHO ELSE LOVES THESE AMAZING NEW GRAPE CIGARETTES?????!!!! THEY TASTE LIKE CHEAP MALAYSIAN DEWBERRY BISCUITS AND I LOVE THEM ALL THE MORE FOR IT
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